


what the axe forgets

by theflyjar



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Crying, Dysfunctional Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Lu Han-centric, M/M, Problems, Relationship Issues, Relationship Problems, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Unresolved, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 06:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14349507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyjar/pseuds/theflyjar
Summary: It’ll happen again in a week or two, like clockwork.





	what the axe forgets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cagedchaos (leen_go)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leen_go/gifts).



> inspired by the song [boomerang by lower than atlantis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-_GFbUKSyY)

Lu Han’s used to it by now. He gets a message at any point on any day, one that reads _‘he’s walked out again’_ and he knows that there’ll be a knock on his door within half an hour of the text arriving. It’s always Yixing who sends the message. It’s always Yifan that’s at Lu Han’s door.

In reality, he doesn’t understand why Yixing says that Yifan’s _‘walked out’,_ when that’s never actually the case. Yixing kicks him out, yelling at him to leave and not come back - Lu Han only knows that because he’s seen it firsthand a few times and been a secondhand witness when Yifan unloads his and Yixing’s problems onto Lu Han’s shoulders. He doesn’t mind it. Really. He likes it when they make up and they’re that picture perfect couple he holds dearly in his head.

He hates it when they’re fighting. And they fight a little too much.

Not a week goes by without Yifan appearing at Lu Han’s door, eyes reddened and tender with tears, fingers trembling around a jacket he picked up but never put on, on his way out of the apartment he shares with Yixing. Yifan always walks to Lu Han’s apartment, too, he never takes the subway. Yifan maintains that it’s to blow off steam, but he’s drunkenly confessed - and on more than one occasion at that - that fewer people see him crying when he walks. He takes the emptier side streets, preferring if a handful of locals see him teary and stricken over a whole carriage of subway passengers.

It’s almost routine. Of course, it would be, after a year of dealing with the trouble between his best friends.

In the beginning, it scared him, to see Yifan so fragile and raw and scared to be hugged. Even knowing Yixing, knowing how sweet and kind he is, Lu Han had entertained the thought of their fights taking on a more _physical_ note. Yifan always reassured him that Yixing would never hurt him like that and vice versa. It was only ever words that were thrown around the room and at each other.

Still, Lu Han doesn’t see how Yixing, with his cute dimples, soft eyes, and messy hair can brandish words that bite into Yifan’s heart just like they do. It doesn’t fit with the person he knows. But, he’s seen it. He knows Yifan’s not lying when he recounts their fight, reeling through the transcript his mind collected and letting Lu Han know everything. It’s always the same handful of things:

Yixing’s ever-brewing jealousy.

Yixing’s worry that he’s not enough.

Yifan’s inability to articulate his feelings.

Yifan’s fear of burdening Yixing too much with his problems.

Nevertheless, it’s Yixing who picks the fights and jabs at freshly healed wounds on, and in, Yifan’s chest. He does just enough to hurt Yifan but never seems to overstep the mark. He doesn’t go for the jugular. He doesn’t go for what will surely hurt Yifan the most. He doesn’t go for anything that would ever damage them beyond repair.

He does _just enough._

Yixing tells Yifan that he’s the only person he should be looking at when they’re out together.

(And even if Yifan does give more attention than Yixing would like to other people, Lu Han’s never seen Yifan look at anyone quite like how he looks at Yixing, as if Yixing’s the true sun in the centre of the universe.)

Yixing screams that Yifan doesn’t care about their relationship enough, that he doesn’t put the time or energy in that Yixing does.

(Despite Lu Han knowing Yifan would devote every moment of his day to see Yixing smile, that everything Yifan does when they’re apart is for Yixing or filled with thoughts of him.)

Yixing shouts about how Yifan he’s certain Yifan will leave him one day.

(Though Lu Han’s sure that soulmates don’t exist, he’s certain that Yifan’s soul bound itself to Yixing the moment the two of them set eyes on each other.)

Yixing hisses that Yifan doesn’t love him.

(Lu Han’s never been aware of anyone loving someone more than Yifan loves Yixing.)

And there’s only so much poking a bear can take before it lashes out. Then things always escalate until Yixing cries, diminishing himself until he bawls and claims that he’s undeserving of what he does get from Yifan. When Yifan tries to fix it, to make things better, Yixing’s pushing him out of the door, barring him from returning. That’s when the text appears on Lu Han’s phone. Followed by Yifan at his apartment.

“Why does he say those things?” Lu Han sometimes asks. “Doesn’t he realise how much it hurts you?”

Yifan let’s a few more tears tumble out of his eyes, a couple of them landing in his coffee when they drip from his chin, and gives his go-to response, “Because he wants to see what it’ll take for me to leave him.”

“And why don’t you?”

No time passes, not even enough for more tears to fall, when Yifan says, “Because I love him. I want to prove to him that it’ll take more than just his words to make me break his heart. I want to show him that I’ll stay. I know it’s because he’s scared of feeling this much for someone. He knows that if he falls deeper and I was to leave him, it’d kill him. So, I want him to know that I’ll come back no matter how many times he throws me away.”

Lu Han doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand how their fights work, especially if what they fight over is how much they love and adore one another. Yixing’s insecurities and ideas that Yifan doesn’t love him as much as everyone knows he does, they drive a wedge between them. Yifan’s reluctance to see that Yixing’s problems aren’t something he can fix alone - Yifan’s reluctance to see that there’s a problem with Yixing at all - is what lets that wedge go deeper.

There’s something more to the way Yixing is. Yixing has problems with accepting things he should know he deserves - he never believes that good things should be in his life, nor that they’ll stay when they do come. Lu Han can see there’s a deeper problem to those insecurities, that they sprout from somewhere more sinister and anxiety-ridden.

They don’t talk much more once Yifan’s unloaded, they drink what’s in their mugs and Lu Han bites his tongue about the worries he has for Yixing. Yifan borrows Lu Han’s phone to call Yixing once their cups are empty. He still cries as he does it, pretending that he isn’t when Yixing answers, just so Yixing won’t feel bad about upsetting him.

It’s hard to not eavesdrop when the call is happening right in front of him, not when his phone’s speaker is just loud enough for him to hear Yixing’s litany of apologies. While they grate on Lu Han, somewhat, nothing frustrates him more than the speed in which Yifan forgives him.

Like usual, the call ends and Yifan hands the phone back to Lu Han, telling him, “He’s going to come and pick me up.”

From then, Yifan disappears into the bathroom to clean up his appearance and make it seem like he’s not shed a single tear. Cold water reduces the puffiness, Yifan says, and the redness fades away by the time Yixing calls up to say he’s arrived. There’s only a slightly glassy quality to Yifan’s eyes when he’s finished and he’s ready to see his boyfriend.

Lu Han pretends not to watch Yifan open the door, revealing a heartsick Yixing who’s all dishevelled and evidently tearful. He excuses himself to the kitchen to boil the kettle to make three new drinks, glancing back to see the boyfriends kissing like they’re the air one another breathes.

Their apologies paint over the cracks, they don’t fill them in, and hope both Yifan and Yixing think that’ll fix everything. Neither of them see the real problem, so neither of them fix it.

And again, Lu Han does not understand it. He never does.

He merely knows that it’ll happen again in a week or two, like clockwork.

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from the line "the tree remembers what the axe forgets."


End file.
